Category: Being Mom


Heir to a Future You Never Made

Filed under: Art & Literature, Being Mom, Musicness, Nerdgasm, Uncategorized — Leave a comment
August 27, 2013

Today was…interesting.

The Tao of Bird started school yesterday. He’s been really anxious about it, but I have been doing my best to get him prepared. Slowly over the preceding weeks we’ve worked on desensitizing as much as we can, and I’ve tried to remain positive with him even though my fucking heart is breaking about this and I think it’s totally dumb. I’ve reassured him that he’ll be fine, that he’s prepared, that he’ll make friends…that there’s nothing to be afraid of, and that, regardless, just about everyone else there has the same fears.

My plan was to get to the school early Monday morning to get his schedule so I could at least make sure he knew how to get to all of his classes. Unfortunately, the registrar had other plans, and we spent all the time I had intended to spend further preparing him for a successful first day sitting in the office (yet again) because there was some question about our paperwork. Oh, the endless freaking paperwork you have to fill out to go to school these days – most of which seems to center on keeping certain students OUT of certain schools.

But we got it figured out, and we were directed down the (wrong) hallway to TOB’s first class, corrected ourselves, and I shooed him in the right direction before going home.

I spent the whole day expecting to get a call from the counselor…or someone. But, nothing. It seemed like this school thing might take. TOB came home in a somewhat upbeat mood, and managed to maintain that for several hours before breaking down in tears, telling me how stressful it was, telling me he couldn’t even eat lunch because the cafeteria stressed him out so bad. Telling me he wasn’t going to go to school anymore. And I gave him the pep talk. And I went over the routine for bedtime, breakfast time, school time, and after-school time.

And this morning when I tried to wake him up…he didn’t want to get up. Then he got up…but he didn’t want to get out of bed. Then he got out of bed, but he was ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO SCHOOL. And over the period of an hour, we inched closer and closer to the door…me alternating between attempting to encourage and trying not to scream at the top of my lungs. Closer to the door. Closer. Closer. Until I was able to get him out. Said goodbye. Locked up. Went to my office. Came out to check 5 minutes later, and he was gone. “Phew.” I thought.

On my break, I felt a twinge of sorrow when I exited my office and there was no TOB flinging himself at me from some corner of the house.

I went to the back door to let the cat in…

And there was TOB.

“What the…?” I opened the door. He said “Hi mom. I’m going to school tomorrow. I thought about it. I’m sorry. By the way, while I was out there the cats and I started a cult of Carl Sagan. Tiny Cat is a bad disciple, though.”

You know…sometimes you look at your children, and they seem so much BIGGER than they should be. Today I looked at TOB – who is pretty much as tall as me now. And I couldn’t get over how tiny he seems. I gotta say – I think he’s a tough kid. I think he’s a lot stronger than he should have to be at his age. Don’t get me wrong about that. But after all of the phone calls and conversations with counselors and emails to his father and tears and discussions and agreements…all I could think about was how very much I love that little guy. Like, with all my fucking heart. And I just don’t want anyone to fuck with him. I want him to be as HIM as he possibly can be. Silly, smart, brave, kind, strong, sensitive, sweet…HIM.

So, I’m trying to remain honest. I’m acknowledging that I’m not feeling great about all of this, but that it will be good for him to be settled into a routine. This whole year has been a huge disruption in the life of our family. In the lives of these children. They’ve been through the ringer. Being in school gives TOB a good neutral ground to stand on and cultivate his own identity independent of his overbearing mommy and his know-it-all big brother. He has a foundation of learning, and love of learning, that I know will persist. And he has some pretty significant obstacles he needs to overcome. I’m not averse to having a team of experts helping me support him in dealing with those obstacles.

I’m trying to focus on these things, but I will still visibly flinch when I read teacher handouts that contain misspelled words. And I will still audibly complain when I’m filling out YET ANOTHER FUCKING FORM, especially if said FUCKING FORM is on treated paper that’s impossible to actually write on.

Onward and upward. Tomorrow is another day. I’ve been assured it will be better. Cross your fingers for us, plz.

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All Things Go. All Things Go.

Filed under: Art & Literature, Being Mom, Musicness, Nerdgasm, zines — Leave a comment
August 23, 2013

Lately I’ve been dancing. By myself. In my room. Because I don’t feel like being outside walking. And because it feels good to move. And to be alone. And have I mentioned I have pretty lights on my bed? Hehehe.

I’m writing the Lexicon of Lainie. I’ve always threatened to write a Lexicon of the Duro Landry family, but I never get around to it, so I’m writing the lexicon of Lainie. This is the idea for the zine. It’s evolving.

A sampling of the lexicon:

A – Artichoke

B – Birds

C – Chicago

D – You get the drift…

The lexicon for our family would include a lot of potty humor and all of the foibles of my awkward mothering moments with my boys. Like the time I burst out laughing the first time I saw a sign for “Fallas” and when the boys asked why, I responded with factual information about the meaning of the word “phallus,” which was totally scandalous of me, apparently. They will never let me forget that, among other things.  And the various words and phrases…like the way Monk once said “pickle” by sticking his tongue out at the end…or how Cole used to like to squeeze the fat on my arm…which he would frequently request to do by asking me “Can I pinch your arm have?”

Among other things. Hahaha. You know? I’m a pretty darn lucky mama.

 

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to learn compassion by trial and error…

Filed under: Art & Literature, Being Mom, Love, Musicness, Nerdgasm, Politics — Leave a comment
August 8, 2013

Things are gearing up in Chicago. It’s going to be difficult to keep my eyes off of my feed and on my work tomorrow.

Right now, I’m freshly showered and staring at tiny lights in between words/thoughts.

Being a mama is so freaking difficult, you guys. My goal, as a parent, is to allow my children to have as much freedom as I feel like they are capable of handling responsibly, and to allow them as many choices as I can.

Sometimes, that makes things a lot more difficult. Sometimes…I’m not entirely sure I’ve made the right choices as a parent, so how can I expect my children to make the right choices as children?

I found this poem fragment in an old journal:

Usually my relationships die like Elvis

on the toilet.

This one

Kurt Cobained – offing itself

before it had a chance to become what it swore it never would be.

(I’m glad I still have heroes. I’m glad I still have dreams)

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New Clear Daze

Filed under: Being Mom, Love, Musicness, Nerdgasm — 2 Comments
July 30, 2013

So, this is what today is all about:

sweet, happy, fairy bed. ❤

 

*bliss*

In other words – today hasn’t been much about anything. But these pretty lights make me happy, so I’ll make the day about them.

Did I mention the lights?

Also, Tao of Bird and I made Beignets today. They were super yummy, and so fun and easy to make I decided I’m going to have a mimosa and beignet brunch next week.

beignets and coffee with whipped cream

There’s lots going on here. Birdy is going to be starting school this year. Public school. In 7th grade. I am at odds with that decision philosophically, but it’s one of those times in life when I had to make a choice based on nothing but bad options. My job now is to prepare him the best I can for that transition and be here to support him as he goes through it. I’m certain…beyond certain…that he is a wonderful, brilliant, charming boy who will adapt wonderfully and have tons of friends. And I know he has a good sense of who he is. He’s a strong little fart, in spite of his occasional bouts of insecurity. ❤

So, we’re preparing for that. In a variety of ways.

Buddha the Grouch, on the other hand, is getting ready for his own leap into more formally-structured schooling by enrolling in the Early College High School program at ACC.

I don’t want to talk too much about them, because they are getting older and they have their own lives, and they don’t need their mama blogging about them out in public, but I’m proud of both of those guys. They each have unique challenges and strengths, and it’s delightful to watch them both become the people they will be. Gradually and non-linearly. Being a mom is really fucking difficult, yes. But it’s hella rewarding to get to see personalities forming right before your very eyes – even when those personalities seem to conflict with each other’s and mine to a frustrating degree…hahaha.

As for me…my work week starts in the morning. 3 days on. 1 day off. 1 day on. 2 days off. It’s not a bad schedule at all. Totally bearable. I kind of hate that I’m growing to really enjoy this job, because I think I still have residual shellshock from how abruptly I was vacated from my last job (and, yet, when I look back at my last job, I realize I had not been happy there for YEARS…so it was actually a relief to be let go, even though it seemed like a terrible tragedy at the time.) It’s like a bad breakup that makes you feel insecure right on into the next relationship, even though the previous relationship wasn’t all that great in the first place and the breakup was probably long overdue.

I’m really fucking awesome at romanticizing something while it’s going on. Just being ok with it, because security. Even when it becomes practically unbearable and what sense security when you’re not safe where you are?

How is it possible that I am also a pro at romanticizing after the fact something that was totally shitty for the duration. WTF, me? Can you please maintain a level of consistency in your ability to turn shit into shinola?

But, whatever. As one of my favorite mentors once told me “Worry is negative goal setting.”

I’m just going to lay back and stare at little colored lights until they blur and fade to black.

❤

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Live It Now, ‘Cause There Ain’t Much to Die For

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July 24, 2013

I bulletin board

I’m a nice person. It’s actually always been a goal in my life to be a nice person, and I feel like I’m generally pretty successful at it. I’m a lot more selfish than I would like to be – mostly with my time and attention. I’m certainly not perfect. But I find it pretty easy to get along with people, I make it a point to be polite, and I’m generally pretty fucking accommodating.

I feel like I need to remind myself of that today. I’ve been having to deal with a person who feels I am none of those things a lot more than I like to have to deal with him, and it can be very easy to slip into the habit of seeing myself the way he does…especially when I’d like nothing more than to just be able to get along with this person enough to at least just get the shit done that needs to get done. The problem is, getting along with this person generally consists of doing everything this person demands or requests without question…and that’s just not something I’m willing to do. I guess, in addition to being nice, I have a pretty strong sense of fairness – and an unwillingness to compromise myself just to keep the peace.

I think to myself often how life would be so. much. fucking. easier. If I could ever make this person feel satisfied with whatever it is that he wants. The problem is, that desire is never outright stated, and is always shifting, so there’s really nothing I can do about it. And it’s not really my responsibility, anyway. In this situation, all I can do is hold tight to a strong center of what feels right and fair to me…and trust that my own intentions are good, but continue to check my intentions – allowing myself forgiveness for occasional bouts of frustrated venting.

I thought a lot today about that power. The power of never being clear about what you desire, so as to retain the power to be dissatisfied with whatever you get. My tendency is kind of on the other side of that same coin, which I imagine is equally frustrating: I am always trying to desire whatever I get, and I’m pretty fucking good at it…but that makes me pretty fucking bad at defining what I actually want.

What I need to focus on while I’m dealing with this is not how I’m expected to behave, but how I wish to behave, regardless of that expectation. To not measure myself with a flawed ruler. To not pay too much attention to the person in the distorted mirror that’s being held up to me, because that’s not the person I am.

❤

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Things you might have missed today

Filed under: Being Mom, Politics — Leave a comment
July 1, 2013

So what you might have missed today was that Rick Perry reserved all of the rooms in the Capitol extension, so we were unable to have food delivered to us, and we couldn’t view the streams like we were able to do previously. Police were staged in the auditorium. This reservation extends, conveniently enough, for the next 30 days.

They brought mounted police in all the way from Houston to give more of an appearance that the peaceful protesters were an Unruly Mob of Rioters.

The State Preservation Board (which is essentially Perry and his cronies) made up rules about where we were able to stand and/or sit that DPS troopers attempted to enforce several times before they finally made us move. I don’t even think DPS could deal with the cognitive dissonance of telling someone they were safer sitting in the middle of a room than they were with their backs against the wall, so we did manage to stall them until they decided to call upon the power of “we have guns and handcuffs and we say so. So you must do so.”

A whole lot of women made a WHOLE LOT of noise. People who came to our assembly at 7 PM tonight told us they could hear us from outside, and those in the gallery could hear us from there. It was a beautiful, wonderful, glorious din.

I observed that pro-life people seem to be in a constant state of funeral dirge, and I wondered if their children (some of whom were praying on their knees on that hard marble floor, and I felt really bad for them) felt wistful about the celebratory atmosphere surrounding those of us who were singing and chanting and fighting for our rights

The people’s filibuster, which was an amazing idea, got drowned out by the energetic noise in the rotunda. Some amazing stories were shared by Quinn. Other stories were submitted by email and via livestream. I really would like to continue to do this action for the duration of the session, if we can get more women to tell their stories on camera. They inspired me.

I  got to hold an adorable baby.

We had an incredible march with over 1500 people.

The dems backstabbed the radicals and activists by continuing to make threats and attempting to block them from participating in the rallies outside.

 

I am one wore-out motherfucker. Tomorrow is a work day, but there is a hearing that starts at 3:30, and I’m probably going to head over after work.

I discovered I’m not a huge fan of livestreaming because I can’t keep up with twitter or facebook while livestreaming, and I prefer to just take pictures, but I have concerns that our main livestreamers are dudes…as is our main Twitterer. How can they step back if no one is stepping up? Still working through that one…

Regardless, There’s really nothing like being packed into a crowded room with a few hundred people you know and love dearly. There’s some amazing video on my ustream account: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/lainieduro

Mostly, it was a long, loud, beautiful, exhausting day. Tomorrow, it’s requested that people get to The Capitol early in the morning (7 AM if possible) so they can be ready to sign up to speak at the hearing. I hope a lot of people show up.

 

OH, and…the people united will never be defeated.

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…and the sun it shined a little stronger.

Filed under: Art & Literature, Being Mom, Food!, Love, Musicness, Nerdgasm, Politics — Leave a comment
June 11, 2013

The Tao of C & mama

Over the weekend, I hosted another fine installment in a neverending series of teenage slumber parties.

Can you see the tiniest evidence of the scrap of influence I attempt to exert over these situations?

Oh, slumber parties. I don’t think TTOC slept at all, but his friend admitted he fell asleep at some point during the night. But they had fun, and they’re such good boys.

And tonight, Buddha the Grouch made a really tasty dinner that seemed to have been cursed for at least the last week. First, the rice he had been carefully saving for stir fry – allowing it to become the perfect texture – got eaten. Then he got sick. Then today, when he finally got down to cooking this epic meal, he opened the tofu to discover it smelled like, as he described it, cat butt. And it really did. I’m not sure how that happened with unopened tofu that was not yet past its expiration date, but man…that was the stankiest tofu I ever smelled. Tofu emergency!

We all survived, though I was worried when Monk told me he actually tasted the cat-butt tofu. He had cooked it first, so…I’m still hoping he doesn’t get sick. Yuck. I’ve never smelled tofu like that. So. Gross.

So, the way my work week works, I have two more days of work, then a day off, then one day of work, then two days off. It’s not bad. Not bad at all. Although my next day off is going to be spent running weird errands. I’m still trying to find a good rhythm. This week isn’t a good example because I’m a little rundown & feeling like taking it easy. I have things in the works for the next couple of weeks, though.Exciting times.

By the way…wtf, USA? What. The. Fickety. Fuck?

 

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Tread Water

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June 10, 2013

Today is an anniversary, of sorts. And because I’m a creature of ritual, I have made a ritual of acknowledging this particular passage of time. A day that I met someone who ended up being pretty damn special to me – but more…just special in general. In fact, the thought of this person’s particular nature to this day makes me grin. One of those people who make an impact, whose presence is unique. And, unfortunately, whose presence in my life was uniquely brief, as well as uniquely cherished. So I allowed those memories to occupy my mind a bit today, which was painful, but nice. And tomorrow is another day.

Spent much of the rest of the weekend in pursuit of the perfect shelves. I have 2-3 narrow little spaces in my house in which I would like to put shelves. But I’m unwilling to buy anything else new, and so have been perusing Craigslist for the perfect solution. I’m a bit obsessed with finding the perfect shelves for my room. I’m ready to get the stuff I need out of the boxes they are in and into some sort of accessible storage. I’m ALMOST there. My dream room…is ALMOST complete. hahaha.

It’s actually already my dream room. It has a comfy bed and a lock on the door. What more could I ask for?

I’ve been ignoring my garden for the most part. I pulled all of the weeds in my 4×4 beds last weekend. I’m still getting lots of green beans. A few peppers. The cucumbers are on pause.

The best part are the tomato plants by my porch. I have been threatening to transplant them for over a month now. It was my experiment to put them close to my door, so I will be sure to harvest regularly, as I am a LAZY gardener. But there’s a lot of shade where they are currently living, so it didn’t seem like they were ever going to produce fruit. However, since I’ve been too lazy to move them, they’ve been busy sprouting up high enough to grab some sunlight, and we actually have some tomatoes growing now. It’s not like a bumper crop or anything, but if it’ll allow me to be lazy, I’ll settle for a lesser yield. 🙂

I’ve actually been ignoring the news, for the most part, all weekend. Bits and pieces have been penetrating, but I’ve built up a barricade. It’s not easy, nor is it permanent. But I needed a break. Maybe I still need a little bit of a break. In the meantime, I’m figuring out how I can continue to stay connected to groups locally that will enable me to do what I can in the amount of time I have available. I’m sure I’ll be back to reading the news more diligently soon.

For the most part, I’ve spent the weekend watching Let’s Plays of The Sims 3. In other words, I’ve been watching videos of someone else playing The Sims. Hahaha. And to add to the meta-tasticness of it, I’m mostly interested in the videos because the kid who does them reminds me of my kids – who spend much of the weekend playing video games in the next room. About halfway through the weekend, I mostly just continued because the irony of it was cracking me up.

Sometimes, it’s all you can do to just tread water.

❤

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Try Not To Breathe

Filed under: Being Mom, Love — Leave a comment
June 6, 2013

Lately, someone has been attempting to pull me back into a dynamic that I do not wish to be pulled back into. It’s difficult to resist, and there is no reward in resistance or compliance.

…and navigating my emotions is like trying to find splashes of color in weedy undergrowth. It’s there. The color is there. But I can get trapped beneath layer upon layer of prickle, and upon emerging must set about removing the burrs.

This has all happened before. Many times over. Recurring themes are recurring. Difficult people are difficult. And it seems the most difficult people are the most persistent. But I refuse to allow the one major mistake I’ve made in my life to cause me to veer from a path of joy and appreciation for life, and especially not the joy and appreciation for the lives that were the fruit of that one major mistake.

This is all very difficult for me, though. When there is someone in my life insisting emphatically that I am very much the kind of person that I wish not to be. That I am unfair, untrustworthy, mean, a bad parent…regardless of evidence to the contrary, it’s difficult not to listen. Particularly because all I’ve ever wanted in life is to be fair, trustworthy, and nice (which hopefully leads to being a good parent.) Warding off statements to the contrary by my own will is contrary to my nature, as part of being fair, trustworthy, and nice includes listening to others when they tell you your behavior is causing pain or anger.

When confronted with this, I’m forced to remember what makes the person providing this feedback untrustworthy…which is almost more painful than just accepting the criticisms being levied.

I’m also forced to narrow my expectations of appreciation for life. When generally I feel pretty joyful most of the time, and ridiculously simple things inspire long-lasting happiness, in these times I look for small moments. I’m neither an adherent of the principles of AA, nor a religious person, but “one day at a time” can become “one hour at a time” or even “one moment at a time.”

So it is that I am here, carefully picking out stepping stones to support me as I cross this river of familiar frustration and pain. Helicopter arms fully deployed. Trying not to be blinded by the flashes of sunlight reflecting off of the water.

I’ll be alright. I’m already alright. I know I’ll reach the other side eventually. And I’ll try not to think about the next river I will no doubt need to ford once I get there.

 

❤

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To Want In The Face Of Need, Well That Just Seems So Obscene

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May 22, 2013

To give you an idea of where my head is at tonight…I just spent about half an hour making this sign for my door:

Lainie's Lair

My New Door Sign

Proving a few things. First: That I probably have too much time on my hands. Second: That living with 4 boys is finally starting to get the better of me. Third: I’m either really rusty at freaking Microsoft Publisher, or this damn computer sucks. I’ma blame the controller this time.

Also the omnipresence of boys in my damn room. Ugh. Love those kids, but I’m trying to create a little sanctuary of Lainieness in here. Hehehe.

(And this is why I will never live with anyone I’m in a relationship with unless I have my own damn room. It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It just has to be mine. Mine Mine Mine.)

In other words, this is the one place in the house that doesn’t smell like permafart, and the mess contained within is almost always caused exclusively by me, and is usually not slimy, moldy, or otherwise offensive. At least not to me.

In other other words…it’s my goddess haven. ❤

Did I mention I’m going to paint the doors and closet with chalk paint so I can make chalk drawings on them? 🙂 I’m psyched. Also, I’m getting a lovely painting from one of my favorite superheroes to hang in the blank space over my dresser. It’s all limety-green.

Today was work, and reckoning, and saying goodbye. Again. There are multiple layers of goodbye, it seems. And it’s ok. I’m ok. It’s just…it takes time. And I’m taking my time. Savoring the heartbreak, because you never know when you’ll get your heart broken again.

This last bit of goodbye (for now. for now. for now) required a pleasant walk to the post office, and a lovely blustery return.

I saw Monk parakeets

and revisited the pomegranate tree

But still no rain.

(no politics tonight. <3)

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