A somewhat maybe not-so-random mix for you tonight…
Things are good. Things are getting better. I’m practicing being patient. Always. I’m always practicing being patient.
But I have to give myself some credit this week. I feel like I did a pretty damn good job. I was supportive, honest, and firm. I listened, I validated, and I explained. I gave leeway when necessary, which can be so difficult…that line between nudging and coercing…that line between allowing for expression and asserting expectations…I’m not perfect, but I did alright. I’m proud of the boys through all of this. It can be so easy to get caught up in the personality traits of my children that are more challenging, and forget about all of the wonderful things about them. The fact is, if I could mold their personalities exactly they way I wanted them to be, that would pretty much go against everything I’ve ever tried to teach them. My hope for them is that they grow up and they aren’t total assholes. There’s a lot of room there for a variety of outcomes. ❤
and…yeah. Pretty much. Thank you for that validation.
In other news…I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, but I feel like all of this year’s transitions warrants a commemorative permanent engraving on my arm. So, I’m thinking artichoke. I have an idea for pomegranates on my back, but I’m not ready for that yet. So, artichoke.
I also think I want to do a zine. Full Color. I’m not sure if I want to do art cards or one big zine or a series, but the above is an example. It would be an alphabet of my favorite quotes, with drawings. A huge challenge for me, because I am not a great artist…but I think it would be fun to challenge myself to draw. And, since I love to alphabetize things…the idea of doing an alphabet is appealing. We’ll see. My last zine idea – an account of my last trip to Chicago – is still sitting there, being sad. With only a page or two done. This one seems easier somehow. Less personal. Less dramatic. Defined parameters with some creative wiggle room. I could maybe do a letter a month of subscription postcards, do a biannual zine with 6 or so letters, and put a book out with the whole alphabet after 2 years. Hehehe.
I can’t remember what I came here to say. Just that I wanted to write something. Because it’s the end of the day. Because these next few weeks are going to be difficult. Because the last few weeks have been difficult. Because I’m telling myself I have nothing to complain about. But I do. Because anyone can engage in comparative anguish and come out feeling not-so-anguished…but sometimes it’s important to feel the anguish. Just a little. Not too much.
Did I ever tell you about the time that I declared the word “Bitch” a forbidden word in this house.
My eldest son must have been around 7 or 8.
So, when he would get mad at me, he would say “You are a FORBIDDEN WORD!!!”
For the next week, their preparations followed a similar pattern — when they entered Snowden’s room, they would remove their cellphone batteries and place them in the refrigerator of Snowden’s minibar. They lined pillows against the door, to discourage eavesdropping from outside, then Poitras set up her camera and filmed. It was important to Snowden to explain to them how the government’s intelligence machinery worked because he feared that he could be arrested at any time.
Meaning this song needs a serious lyrical adjustment…
And, in looking for that song, I stumbled upon this article:
Things are gearing up in Chicago. It’s going to be difficult to keep my eyes off of my feed and on my work tomorrow.
Right now, I’m freshly showered and staring at tiny lights in between words/thoughts.
Being a mama is so freaking difficult, you guys. My goal, as a parent, is to allow my children to have as much freedom as I feel like they are capable of handling responsibly, and to allow them as many choices as I can.
Sometimes, that makes things a lot more difficult. Sometimes…I’m not entirely sure I’ve made the right choices as a parent, so how can I expect my children to make the right choices as children?
I found this poem fragment in an old journal:
Usually my relationships die like Elvis
on the toilet.
This one
Kurt Cobained – offing itself
before it had a chance to become what it swore it never would be.
(I’m glad I still have heroes. I’m glad I still have dreams)
In other words – today hasn’t been much about anything. But these pretty lights make me happy, so I’ll make the day about them.
Did I mention the lights?
Also, Tao of Bird and I made Beignets today. They were super yummy, and so fun and easy to make I decided I’m going to have a mimosa and beignet brunch next week.
beignets and coffee with whipped cream
There’s lots going on here. Birdy is going to be starting school this year. Public school. In 7th grade. I am at odds with that decision philosophically, but it’s one of those times in life when I had to make a choice based on nothing but bad options. My job now is to prepare him the best I can for that transition and be here to support him as he goes through it. I’m certain…beyond certain…that he is a wonderful, brilliant, charming boy who will adapt wonderfully and have tons of friends. And I know he has a good sense of who he is. He’s a strong little fart, in spite of his occasional bouts of insecurity. ❤
So, we’re preparing for that. In a variety of ways.
Buddha the Grouch, on the other hand, is getting ready for his own leap into more formally-structured schooling by enrolling in the Early College High School program at ACC.
I don’t want to talk too much about them, because they are getting older and they have their own lives, and they don’t need their mama blogging about them out in public, but I’m proud of both of those guys. They each have unique challenges and strengths, and it’s delightful to watch them both become the people they will be. Gradually and non-linearly. Being a mom is really fucking difficult, yes. But it’s hella rewarding to get to see personalities forming right before your very eyes – even when those personalities seem to conflict with each other’s and mine to a frustrating degree…hahaha.
As for me…my work week starts in the morning. 3 days on. 1 day off. 1 day on. 2 days off. It’s not a bad schedule at all. Totally bearable. I kind of hate that I’m growing to really enjoy this job, because I think I still have residual shellshock from how abruptly I was vacated from my last job (and, yet, when I look back at my last job, I realize I had not been happy there for YEARS…so it was actually a relief to be let go, even though it seemed like a terrible tragedy at the time.) It’s like a bad breakup that makes you feel insecure right on into the next relationship, even though the previous relationship wasn’t all that great in the first place and the breakup was probably long overdue.
I’m really fucking awesome at romanticizing something while it’s going on. Just being ok with it, because security. Even when it becomes practically unbearable and what sense security when you’re not safe where you are?
How is it possible that I am also a pro at romanticizing after the fact something that was totally shitty for the duration. WTF, me? Can you please maintain a level of consistency in your ability to turn shit into shinola?
But, whatever. As one of my favorite mentors once told me “Worry is negative goal setting.”
I’m just going to lay back and stare at little colored lights until they blur and fade to black.
(alternate title: How not to talk to your children about the impending apocalypse)
I’ve been breaking good habits. But I guess that’s allowable on occasion. Important work is always getting done. Even when the important work is completely “unproductive.”
Mostly, though, this week has awakened a whole lot of interesting events around the world. And a whole lot of overcoming, although that never seems like enough…
And in this time of visible and tangible overcoming of it.
a protester reclining in front of riot police in Turkey
Arduous, painful, but joyful overcoming of it.
And, you know…You just gotta stay inspired…and appreciate the overcoming of it.
Revolutions In The Park – thanks to Austin Audio Co-Op ❤
Over the weekend, I hosted another fine installment in a neverending series of teenage slumber parties.
Can you see the tiniest evidence of the scrap of influence I attempt to exert over these situations?
Oh, slumber parties. I don’t think TTOC slept at all, but his friend admitted he fell asleep at some point during the night. But they had fun, and they’re such good boys.
And tonight, Buddha the Grouch made a really tasty dinner that seemed to have been cursed for at least the last week. First, the rice he had been carefully saving for stir fry – allowing it to become the perfect texture – got eaten. Then he got sick. Then today, when he finally got down to cooking this epic meal, he opened the tofu to discover it smelled like, as he described it, cat butt. And it really did. I’m not sure how that happened with unopened tofu that was not yet past its expiration date, but man…that was the stankiest tofu I ever smelled. Tofu emergency!
We all survived, though I was worried when Monk told me he actually tasted the cat-butt tofu. He had cooked it first, so…I’m still hoping he doesn’t get sick. Yuck. I’ve never smelled tofu like that. So. Gross.
So, the way my work week works, I have two more days of work, then a day off, then one day of work, then two days off. It’s not bad. Not bad at all. Although my next day off is going to be spent running weird errands. I’m still trying to find a good rhythm. This week isn’t a good example because I’m a little rundown & feeling like taking it easy. I have things in the works for the next couple of weeks, though.Exciting times.
Today is an anniversary, of sorts. And because I’m a creature of ritual, I have made a ritual of acknowledging this particular passage of time. A day that I met someone who ended up being pretty damn special to me – but more…just special in general. In fact, the thought of this person’s particular nature to this day makes me grin. One of those people who make an impact, whose presence is unique. And, unfortunately, whose presence in my life was uniquely brief, as well as uniquely cherished. So I allowed those memories to occupy my mind a bit today, which was painful, but nice. And tomorrow is another day.
Spent much of the rest of the weekend in pursuit of the perfect shelves. I have 2-3 narrow little spaces in my house in which I would like to put shelves. But I’m unwilling to buy anything else new, and so have been perusing Craigslist for the perfect solution. I’m a bit obsessed with finding the perfect shelves for my room. I’m ready to get the stuff I need out of the boxes they are in and into some sort of accessible storage. I’m ALMOST there. My dream room…is ALMOST complete. hahaha.
It’s actually already my dream room. It has a comfy bed and a lock on the door. What more could I ask for?
I’ve been ignoring my garden for the most part. I pulled all of the weeds in my 4×4 beds last weekend. I’m still getting lots of green beans. A few peppers. The cucumbers are on pause.
The best part are the tomato plants by my porch. I have been threatening to transplant them for over a month now. It was my experiment to put them close to my door, so I will be sure to harvest regularly, as I am a LAZY gardener. But there’s a lot of shade where they are currently living, so it didn’t seem like they were ever going to produce fruit. However, since I’ve been too lazy to move them, they’ve been busy sprouting up high enough to grab some sunlight, and we actually have some tomatoes growing now. It’s not like a bumper crop or anything, but if it’ll allow me to be lazy, I’ll settle for a lesser yield. 🙂
I’ve actually been ignoring the news, for the most part, all weekend. Bits and pieces have been penetrating, but I’ve built up a barricade. It’s not easy, nor is it permanent. But I needed a break. Maybe I still need a little bit of a break. In the meantime, I’m figuring out how I can continue to stay connected to groups locally that will enable me to do what I can in the amount of time I have available. I’m sure I’ll be back to reading the news more diligently soon.
For the most part, I’ve spent the weekend watching Let’s Plays of The Sims 3. In other words, I’ve been watching videos of someone else playing The Sims. Hahaha. And to add to the meta-tasticness of it, I’m mostly interested in the videos because the kid who does them reminds me of my kids – who spend much of the weekend playing video games in the next room. About halfway through the weekend, I mostly just continued because the irony of it was cracking me up.
Sometimes, it’s all you can do to just tread water.
Lately, someone has been attempting to pull me back into a dynamic that I do not wish to be pulled back into. It’s difficult to resist, and there is no reward in resistance or compliance.
…and navigating my emotions is like trying to find splashes of color in weedy undergrowth. It’s there. The color is there. But I can get trapped beneath layer upon layer of prickle, and upon emerging must set about removing the burrs.
This has all happened before. Many times over. Recurring themes are recurring. Difficult people are difficult. And it seems the most difficult people are the most persistent. But I refuse to allow the one major mistake I’ve made in my life to cause me to veer from a path of joy and appreciation for life, and especially not the joy and appreciation for the lives that were the fruit of that one major mistake.
This is all very difficult for me, though. When there is someone in my life insisting emphatically that I am very much the kind of person that I wish not to be. That I am unfair, untrustworthy, mean, a bad parent…regardless of evidence to the contrary, it’s difficult not to listen. Particularly because all I’ve ever wanted in life is to be fair, trustworthy, and nice (which hopefully leads to being a good parent.) Warding off statements to the contrary by my own will is contrary to my nature, as part of being fair, trustworthy, and nice includes listening to others when they tell you your behavior is causing pain or anger.
When confronted with this, I’m forced to remember what makes the person providing this feedback untrustworthy…which is almost more painful than just accepting the criticisms being levied.
I’m also forced to narrow my expectations of appreciation for life. When generally I feel pretty joyful most of the time, and ridiculously simple things inspire long-lasting happiness, in these times I look for small moments. I’m neither an adherent of the principles of AA, nor a religious person, but “one day at a time” can become “one hour at a time” or even “one moment at a time.”
So it is that I am here, carefully picking out stepping stones to support me as I cross this river of familiar frustration and pain. Helicopter arms fully deployed. Trying not to be blinded by the flashes of sunlight reflecting off of the water.
I’ll be alright. I’m already alright. I know I’ll reach the other side eventually. And I’ll try not to think about the next river I will no doubt need to ford once I get there.
…I’m blogging about writing in my journal while writing in my journal about blogging…
(and sometimes the oddest mixes happen on shuffle)
Hope, of course, is always accompanied by the fear of hopelessness, which is a legitimate fear.
[…]
The point – the only interesting point – is that we have not quit. Ours is not a fight that you can stay on very long if you look on victory as a sign of triumph or on loss as a sign on defeat. We have not quit because we are not hopeless.
My own aim is not hopelessness. I am not looking for reasons to give up. I am looking for reasons to keep on. -Wendell Berry
and this is just beautiful:
I think I could watch that video all night.
In my journal, I just wrote the words “alpha-indifferent.” Which is not at all descriptive of my feelings about that video. More like this one:
Which brings us full circle. Thematically, if not rhythmically.
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