Lately I’ve been dancing. By myself. In my room. Because I don’t feel like being outside walking. And because it feels good to move. And to be alone. And have I mentioned I have pretty lights on my bed? Hehehe.
I’m writing the Lexicon of Lainie. I’ve always threatened to write a Lexicon of the Duro Landry family, but I never get around to it, so I’m writing the lexicon of Lainie. This is the idea for the zine. It’s evolving.
A sampling of the lexicon:
A – Artichoke
B – Birds
C – Chicago
D – You get the drift…
The lexicon for our family would include a lot of potty humor and all of the foibles of my awkward mothering moments with my boys. Like the time I burst out laughing the first time I saw a sign for “Fallas” and when the boys asked why, I responded with factual information about the meaning of the word “phallus,” which was totally scandalous of me, apparently. They will never let me forget that, among other things. And the various words and phrases…like the way Monk once said “pickle” by sticking his tongue out at the end…or how Cole used to like to squeeze the fat on my arm…which he would frequently request to do by asking me “Can I pinch your arm have?”
Among other things. Hahaha. You know? I’m a pretty darn lucky mama.
I can’t remember what I came here to say. Just that I wanted to write something. Because it’s the end of the day. Because these next few weeks are going to be difficult. Because the last few weeks have been difficult. Because I’m telling myself I have nothing to complain about. But I do. Because anyone can engage in comparative anguish and come out feeling not-so-anguished…but sometimes it’s important to feel the anguish. Just a little. Not too much.
Did I ever tell you about the time that I declared the word “Bitch” a forbidden word in this house.
My eldest son must have been around 7 or 8.
So, when he would get mad at me, he would say “You are a FORBIDDEN WORD!!!”
For the next week, their preparations followed a similar pattern — when they entered Snowden’s room, they would remove their cellphone batteries and place them in the refrigerator of Snowden’s minibar. They lined pillows against the door, to discourage eavesdropping from outside, then Poitras set up her camera and filmed. It was important to Snowden to explain to them how the government’s intelligence machinery worked because he feared that he could be arrested at any time.
Meaning this song needs a serious lyrical adjustment…
And, in looking for that song, I stumbled upon this article:
Things are gearing up in Chicago. It’s going to be difficult to keep my eyes off of my feed and on my work tomorrow.
Right now, I’m freshly showered and staring at tiny lights in between words/thoughts.
Being a mama is so freaking difficult, you guys. My goal, as a parent, is to allow my children to have as much freedom as I feel like they are capable of handling responsibly, and to allow them as many choices as I can.
Sometimes, that makes things a lot more difficult. Sometimes…I’m not entirely sure I’ve made the right choices as a parent, so how can I expect my children to make the right choices as children?
I found this poem fragment in an old journal:
Usually my relationships die like Elvis
on the toilet.
This one
Kurt Cobained – offing itself
before it had a chance to become what it swore it never would be.
(I’m glad I still have heroes. I’m glad I still have dreams)
In other words – today hasn’t been much about anything. But these pretty lights make me happy, so I’ll make the day about them.
Did I mention the lights?
Also, Tao of Bird and I made Beignets today. They were super yummy, and so fun and easy to make I decided I’m going to have a mimosa and beignet brunch next week.
beignets and coffee with whipped cream
There’s lots going on here. Birdy is going to be starting school this year. Public school. In 7th grade. I am at odds with that decision philosophically, but it’s one of those times in life when I had to make a choice based on nothing but bad options. My job now is to prepare him the best I can for that transition and be here to support him as he goes through it. I’m certain…beyond certain…that he is a wonderful, brilliant, charming boy who will adapt wonderfully and have tons of friends. And I know he has a good sense of who he is. He’s a strong little fart, in spite of his occasional bouts of insecurity. ❤
So, we’re preparing for that. In a variety of ways.
Buddha the Grouch, on the other hand, is getting ready for his own leap into more formally-structured schooling by enrolling in the Early College High School program at ACC.
I don’t want to talk too much about them, because they are getting older and they have their own lives, and they don’t need their mama blogging about them out in public, but I’m proud of both of those guys. They each have unique challenges and strengths, and it’s delightful to watch them both become the people they will be. Gradually and non-linearly. Being a mom is really fucking difficult, yes. But it’s hella rewarding to get to see personalities forming right before your very eyes – even when those personalities seem to conflict with each other’s and mine to a frustrating degree…hahaha.
As for me…my work week starts in the morning. 3 days on. 1 day off. 1 day on. 2 days off. It’s not a bad schedule at all. Totally bearable. I kind of hate that I’m growing to really enjoy this job, because I think I still have residual shellshock from how abruptly I was vacated from my last job (and, yet, when I look back at my last job, I realize I had not been happy there for YEARS…so it was actually a relief to be let go, even though it seemed like a terrible tragedy at the time.) It’s like a bad breakup that makes you feel insecure right on into the next relationship, even though the previous relationship wasn’t all that great in the first place and the breakup was probably long overdue.
I’m really fucking awesome at romanticizing something while it’s going on. Just being ok with it, because security. Even when it becomes practically unbearable and what sense security when you’re not safe where you are?
How is it possible that I am also a pro at romanticizing after the fact something that was totally shitty for the duration. WTF, me? Can you please maintain a level of consistency in your ability to turn shit into shinola?
But, whatever. As one of my favorite mentors once told me “Worry is negative goal setting.”
I’m just going to lay back and stare at little colored lights until they blur and fade to black.
I haven’t much to say, really. It’s been a tough week.
I took a short walk tonight. Did some writing. Am in the process of dying my hair again. I didn’t have gloves, so I thought “fuck it. I’ll just have to deal with having purple hands for a bit.” And I can do that, because I am working from home now. Yay.
Not sure how long it will take for that to come out. hahhahaha.
I’m thinking tonight’s blog post will be one of those long, rambling, music-filled posts. In honor of my brothers and sisters in Wisconsin, who were arrested for SINGING in their capitol building.
The police come in waves, five times in the noon hour of singing. There are dozens. They surround a singer (why that one?) and grab him, grab her, asking if they are dispersing. No one consents to disperse. Zipties are ratcheted around wrists. I watch a cluster of black shirted black gloved grim men surround a middle-aged woman. They perform their wrist-twist jobs with the satisfaction of bondage well done. Craft. Take pride in your work. After all, she knew the new rules, and she was singing. We cannot have people expressing dissatisfaction with our government without permission from our government.
The Solidarity Sing Along began in March, 2011, as a way to maintain an oppositional voice to Scott Walker’s government and policies after they rammed through Act 10, the law that all but busted public sector unions in the state. The law is being challenged and is still working its way through federal and state courts.
People who came to the capitol to sing in those early days did so out of a deep sense of frustration that the legitimate concerns of hundreds of thousands of people in the state were simply disregarded by the Republican controlled legislature and governor. If they had no power to influence legislation through their elected representatives, they would bring their concerns directly to the public forum that is the capitol rotunda in the form of song.
So, in honor of the Solidarity Sing Along, I’m posting some non-political songs that I like to sing along to. Badly. Because it’s not illegal to sing in my own home…yet. And some songs that I just like to listen to. In no particular order, except they sounded good together…
Over the weekend, I hosted another fine installment in a neverending series of teenage slumber parties.
Can you see the tiniest evidence of the scrap of influence I attempt to exert over these situations?
Oh, slumber parties. I don’t think TTOC slept at all, but his friend admitted he fell asleep at some point during the night. But they had fun, and they’re such good boys.
And tonight, Buddha the Grouch made a really tasty dinner that seemed to have been cursed for at least the last week. First, the rice he had been carefully saving for stir fry – allowing it to become the perfect texture – got eaten. Then he got sick. Then today, when he finally got down to cooking this epic meal, he opened the tofu to discover it smelled like, as he described it, cat butt. And it really did. I’m not sure how that happened with unopened tofu that was not yet past its expiration date, but man…that was the stankiest tofu I ever smelled. Tofu emergency!
We all survived, though I was worried when Monk told me he actually tasted the cat-butt tofu. He had cooked it first, so…I’m still hoping he doesn’t get sick. Yuck. I’ve never smelled tofu like that. So. Gross.
So, the way my work week works, I have two more days of work, then a day off, then one day of work, then two days off. It’s not bad. Not bad at all. Although my next day off is going to be spent running weird errands. I’m still trying to find a good rhythm. This week isn’t a good example because I’m a little rundown & feeling like taking it easy. I have things in the works for the next couple of weeks, though.Exciting times.
Today is an anniversary, of sorts. And because I’m a creature of ritual, I have made a ritual of acknowledging this particular passage of time. A day that I met someone who ended up being pretty damn special to me – but more…just special in general. In fact, the thought of this person’s particular nature to this day makes me grin. One of those people who make an impact, whose presence is unique. And, unfortunately, whose presence in my life was uniquely brief, as well as uniquely cherished. So I allowed those memories to occupy my mind a bit today, which was painful, but nice. And tomorrow is another day.
Spent much of the rest of the weekend in pursuit of the perfect shelves. I have 2-3 narrow little spaces in my house in which I would like to put shelves. But I’m unwilling to buy anything else new, and so have been perusing Craigslist for the perfect solution. I’m a bit obsessed with finding the perfect shelves for my room. I’m ready to get the stuff I need out of the boxes they are in and into some sort of accessible storage. I’m ALMOST there. My dream room…is ALMOST complete. hahaha.
It’s actually already my dream room. It has a comfy bed and a lock on the door. What more could I ask for?
I’ve been ignoring my garden for the most part. I pulled all of the weeds in my 4×4 beds last weekend. I’m still getting lots of green beans. A few peppers. The cucumbers are on pause.
The best part are the tomato plants by my porch. I have been threatening to transplant them for over a month now. It was my experiment to put them close to my door, so I will be sure to harvest regularly, as I am a LAZY gardener. But there’s a lot of shade where they are currently living, so it didn’t seem like they were ever going to produce fruit. However, since I’ve been too lazy to move them, they’ve been busy sprouting up high enough to grab some sunlight, and we actually have some tomatoes growing now. It’s not like a bumper crop or anything, but if it’ll allow me to be lazy, I’ll settle for a lesser yield. 🙂
I’ve actually been ignoring the news, for the most part, all weekend. Bits and pieces have been penetrating, but I’ve built up a barricade. It’s not easy, nor is it permanent. But I needed a break. Maybe I still need a little bit of a break. In the meantime, I’m figuring out how I can continue to stay connected to groups locally that will enable me to do what I can in the amount of time I have available. I’m sure I’ll be back to reading the news more diligently soon.
For the most part, I’ve spent the weekend watching Let’s Plays of The Sims 3. In other words, I’ve been watching videos of someone else playing The Sims. Hahaha. And to add to the meta-tasticness of it, I’m mostly interested in the videos because the kid who does them reminds me of my kids – who spend much of the weekend playing video games in the next room. About halfway through the weekend, I mostly just continued because the irony of it was cracking me up.
Sometimes, it’s all you can do to just tread water.
…I’m blogging about writing in my journal while writing in my journal about blogging…
(and sometimes the oddest mixes happen on shuffle)
Hope, of course, is always accompanied by the fear of hopelessness, which is a legitimate fear.
[…]
The point – the only interesting point – is that we have not quit. Ours is not a fight that you can stay on very long if you look on victory as a sign of triumph or on loss as a sign on defeat. We have not quit because we are not hopeless.
My own aim is not hopelessness. I am not looking for reasons to give up. I am looking for reasons to keep on. -Wendell Berry
and this is just beautiful:
I think I could watch that video all night.
In my journal, I just wrote the words “alpha-indifferent.” Which is not at all descriptive of my feelings about that video. More like this one:
Which brings us full circle. Thematically, if not rhythmically.
Words that only come to me in disconnected ramblings. I have several articles bookmarked and random bits of essays written, but I haven’t had a chance to pull it all together. Or, more like, I haven’t been inspired to do so. Actually, more like it’s still brewing up there, and I am writing it in conversations I have throughout the days and I’m just waiting to be able to sit down and have it write itself.
Suffice to say, it has to do with the value of poetry and paintings. And how those things are devalued. And, you know how it goes…when you are suffering from writer’s malaise, everything has already been written, so what’s the point in rewriting it in inferior language. Just listen to The Ex song posted above…you’ll get the drift.
Anarchism is quite different from that. It calls for an elimination to tyranny, all kinds of tyranny. Including the kind of tyranny that’s internal to private power concentrations. So why should we prefer it? Well I think because freedom is better than subordination. It’s better to be free than to be a slave. Its’ better to be able to make your own decisions than to have someone else make decisions and force you to observe them. I mean, I don’t think you really need an argument for that. It seems like … transparent. The thing you need an argument for, and should give an argument for, is, How can we best proceed in that direction? And there are lots of ways within the current society. One way, incidentally, is through use of the state, to the extent that it is democratically controlled. I mean in the long run, anarchists would like to see the state eliminated. But it exists, alongside of private power, and the state is, at least to a certain extent, under public influence and control — could be much more so. And it provides devices to constrain the much more dangerous forces of private power. Rules for safety and health in the workplace for example. Or insuring that people have decent health care, let’s say. Many other things like that. They’re not going to come about through private power.
To give you an idea of where my head is at tonight…I just spent about half an hour making this sign for my door:
My New Door Sign
Proving a few things. First: That I probably have too much time on my hands. Second: That living with 4 boys is finally starting to get the better of me. Third: I’m either really rusty at freaking Microsoft Publisher, or this damn computer sucks. I’ma blame the controller this time.
Also the omnipresence of boys in my damn room. Ugh. Love those kids, but I’m trying to create a little sanctuary of Lainieness in here. Hehehe.
(And this is why I will never live with anyone I’m in a relationship with unless I have my own damn room. It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It just has to be mine. Mine Mine Mine.)
In other words, this is the one place in the house that doesn’t smell like permafart, and the mess contained within is almost always caused exclusively by me, and is usually not slimy, moldy, or otherwise offensive. At least not to me.
In other other words…it’s my goddess haven. ❤
Did I mention I’m going to paint the doors and closet with chalk paint so I can make chalk drawings on them? 🙂 I’m psyched. Also, I’m getting a lovely painting from one of my favorite superheroes to hang in the blank space over my dresser. It’s all limety-green.
Today was work, and reckoning, and saying goodbye. Again. There are multiple layers of goodbye, it seems. And it’s ok. I’m ok. It’s just…it takes time. And I’m taking my time. Savoring the heartbreak, because you never know when you’ll get your heart broken again.
This last bit of goodbye (for now. for now. for now) required a pleasant walk to the post office, and a lovely blustery return.
