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Category: Nerdgasm

The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret

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August 19, 2013

I found this in an old journal…

And today I heard this:

and…yeah. Pretty much. Thank you for that validation.

In other news…I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, but I feel like all of this year’s transitions warrants a commemorative permanent engraving on my arm. So, I’m thinking artichoke. I have an idea for pomegranates on my back, but I’m not ready for that yet. So, artichoke.

I also think I want to do a zine. Full Color. I’m not sure if I want to do art cards or one big zine or a series, but the above is an example. It would be an alphabet of my favorite quotes, with drawings. A huge challenge for me, because I am not a great artist…but I think it would be fun to challenge myself to draw. And, since I love to alphabetize things…the idea of doing an alphabet is appealing. We’ll see. My last zine idea – an account of my last trip to Chicago – is still sitting there, being sad. With only a page or two done. This one seems easier somehow. Less personal. Less dramatic. Defined parameters with some creative wiggle room. I could maybe do a letter a month of subscription postcards, do a biannual zine with 6 or so letters, and put a book out with the whole alphabet after 2 years. Hehehe.

If I did that , would you subscribe?

❤

Tags: alphabet, friend zone, love, rape culture, zines

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to learn compassion by trial and error…

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August 8, 2013

Things are gearing up in Chicago. It’s going to be difficult to keep my eyes off of my feed and on my work tomorrow.

Right now, I’m freshly showered and staring at tiny lights in between words/thoughts.

Being a mama is so freaking difficult, you guys. My goal, as a parent, is to allow my children to have as much freedom as I feel like they are capable of handling responsibly, and to allow them as many choices as I can.

Sometimes, that makes things a lot more difficult. Sometimes…I’m not entirely sure I’ve made the right choices as a parent, so how can I expect my children to make the right choices as children?

I found this poem fragment in an old journal:

Usually my relationships die like Elvis

on the toilet.

This one

Kurt Cobained – offing itself

before it had a chance to become what it swore it never would be.

(I’m glad I still have heroes. I’m glad I still have dreams)

Tags: #noALEC, choice, Dog Faced Hermans, Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Mission of Burma, parenting, Spahn Ranch, The Coup, toilet

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New Clear Daze

Filed under: Being Mom, Love, Musicness, Nerdgasm — 2 Comments

July 30, 2013

So, this is what today is all about:

sweet, happy, fairy bed. ❤

*bliss*

In other words – today hasn’t been much about anything. But these pretty lights make me happy, so I’ll make the day about them.

Did I mention the lights?

Also, Tao of Bird and I made Beignets today. They were super yummy, and so fun and easy to make I decided I’m going to have a mimosa and beignet brunch next week.

beignets and coffee with whipped cream

There’s lots going on here. Birdy is going to be starting school this year. Public school. In 7th grade. I am at odds with that decision philosophically, but it’s one of those times in life when I had to make a choice based on nothing but bad options. My job now is to prepare him the best I can for that transition and be here to support him as he goes through it. I’m certain…beyond certain…that he is a wonderful, brilliant, charming boy who will adapt wonderfully and have tons of friends. And I know he has a good sense of who he is. He’s a strong little fart, in spite of his occasional bouts of insecurity. ❤

So, we’re preparing for that. In a variety of ways.

Buddha the Grouch, on the other hand, is getting ready for his own leap into more formally-structured schooling by enrolling in the Early College High School program at ACC.

I don’t want to talk too much about them, because they are getting older and they have their own lives, and they don’t need their mama blogging about them out in public, but I’m proud of both of those guys. They each have unique challenges and strengths, and it’s delightful to watch them both become the people they will be. Gradually and non-linearly. Being a mom is really fucking difficult, yes. But it’s hella rewarding to get to see personalities forming right before your very eyes – even when those personalities seem to conflict with each other’s and mine to a frustrating degree…hahaha.

As for me…my work week starts in the morning. 3 days on. 1 day off. 1 day on. 2 days off. It’s not a bad schedule at all. Totally bearable. I kind of hate that I’m growing to really enjoy this job, because I think I still have residual shellshock from how abruptly I was vacated from my last job (and, yet, when I look back at my last job, I realize I had not been happy there for YEARS…so it was actually a relief to be let go, even though it seemed like a terrible tragedy at the time.) It’s like a bad breakup that makes you feel insecure right on into the next relationship, even though the previous relationship wasn’t all that great in the first place and the breakup was probably long overdue.

I’m really fucking awesome at romanticizing something while it’s going on. Just being ok with it, because security. Even when it becomes practically unbearable and what sense security when you’re not safe where you are?

How is it possible that I am also a pro at romanticizing after the fact something that was totally shitty for the duration. WTF, me? Can you please maintain a level of consistency in your ability to turn shit into shinola?

But, whatever. As one of my favorite mentors once told me “Worry is negative goal setting.”

I’m just going to lay back and stare at little colored lights until they blur and fade to black.

❤

Tags: beignets, homeschooling, mimosas, New Clear Days, parenting, the ex

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I was a television version of a person with a broken heart

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June 21, 2013

(alternate title: How not to talk to your children about the impending apocalypse)

I’ve been breaking good habits. But I guess that’s allowable on occasion. Important work is always getting done. Even when the important work is completely “unproductive.”

Mostly, though, this week has awakened a whole lot of interesting events around the world. And a whole lot of overcoming, although that never seems like enough…

And in this time of visible and tangible overcoming of it.

a protester reclining in front of riot police in Turkey

Arduous, painful, but joyful overcoming of it.

And, you know…You just gotta stay inspired…and appreciate the overcoming of it.

Revolutions In The Park – thanks to Austin Audio Co-Op ❤

Tags: bradley manning, cat, edward snowden, helen keller, Istanbul, turkey, whistleblowers

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…and the sun it shined a little stronger.

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June 11, 2013

The Tao of C & mama

Over the weekend, I hosted another fine installment in a neverending series of teenage slumber parties.

Can you see the tiniest evidence of the scrap of influence I attempt to exert over these situations?

Oh, slumber parties. I don’t think TTOC slept at all, but his friend admitted he fell asleep at some point during the night. But they had fun, and they’re such good boys.

And tonight, Buddha the Grouch made a really tasty dinner that seemed to have been cursed for at least the last week. First, the rice he had been carefully saving for stir fry – allowing it to become the perfect texture – got eaten. Then he got sick. Then today, when he finally got down to cooking this epic meal, he opened the tofu to discover it smelled like, as he described it, cat butt. And it really did. I’m not sure how that happened with unopened tofu that was not yet past its expiration date, but man…that was the stankiest tofu I ever smelled. Tofu emergency!

We all survived, though I was worried when Monk told me he actually tasted the cat-butt tofu. He had cooked it first, so…I’m still hoping he doesn’t get sick. Yuck. I’ve never smelled tofu like that. So. Gross.

So, the way my work week works, I have two more days of work, then a day off, then one day of work, then two days off. It’s not bad. Not bad at all. Although my next day off is going to be spent running weird errands. I’m still trying to find a good rhythm. This week isn’t a good example because I’m a little rundown & feeling like taking it easy. I have things in the works for the next couple of weeks, though.Exciting times.

By the way…wtf, USA? What. The. Fickety. Fuck?

Tags: food, shadows, snowden, surveillance, tof, usa

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Tread Water

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June 10, 2013

Today is an anniversary, of sorts. And because I’m a creature of ritual, I have made a ritual of acknowledging this particular passage of time. A day that I met someone who ended up being pretty damn special to me – but more…just special in general. In fact, the thought of this person’s particular nature to this day makes me grin. One of those people who make an impact, whose presence is unique. And, unfortunately, whose presence in my life was uniquely brief, as well as uniquely cherished. So I allowed those memories to occupy my mind a bit today, which was painful, but nice. And tomorrow is another day.

Spent much of the rest of the weekend in pursuit of the perfect shelves. I have 2-3 narrow little spaces in my house in which I would like to put shelves. But I’m unwilling to buy anything else new, and so have been perusing Craigslist for the perfect solution. I’m a bit obsessed with finding the perfect shelves for my room. I’m ready to get the stuff I need out of the boxes they are in and into some sort of accessible storage. I’m ALMOST there. My dream room…is ALMOST complete. hahaha.

It’s actually already my dream room. It has a comfy bed and a lock on the door. What more could I ask for?

I’ve been ignoring my garden for the most part. I pulled all of the weeds in my 4×4 beds last weekend. I’m still getting lots of green beans. A few peppers. The cucumbers are on pause.

The best part are the tomato plants by my porch. I have been threatening to transplant them for over a month now. It was my experiment to put them close to my door, so I will be sure to harvest regularly, as I am a LAZY gardener. But there’s a lot of shade where they are currently living, so it didn’t seem like they were ever going to produce fruit. However, since I’ve been too lazy to move them, they’ve been busy sprouting up high enough to grab some sunlight, and we actually have some tomatoes growing now. It’s not like a bumper crop or anything, but if it’ll allow me to be lazy, I’ll settle for a lesser yield. 🙂

I’ve actually been ignoring the news, for the most part, all weekend. Bits and pieces have been penetrating, but I’ve built up a barricade. It’s not easy, nor is it permanent. But I needed a break. Maybe I still need a little bit of a break. In the meantime, I’m figuring out how I can continue to stay connected to groups locally that will enable me to do what I can in the amount of time I have available. I’m sure I’ll be back to reading the news more diligently soon.

For the most part, I’ve spent the weekend watching Let’s Plays of The Sims 3. In other words, I’ve been watching videos of someone else playing The Sims. Hahaha. And to add to the meta-tasticness of it, I’m mostly interested in the videos because the kid who does them reminds me of my kids – who spend much of the weekend playing video games in the next room. About halfway through the weekend, I mostly just continued because the irony of it was cracking me up.

Sometimes, it’s all you can do to just tread water.

❤

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Slide

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June 5, 2013

❤

I just wrote this in my journal:

…I’m blogging about writing in my journal while writing in my journal about blogging…

(and sometimes the oddest mixes happen on shuffle)

Hope, of course, is always accompanied by the fear of hopelessness, which is a legitimate fear.

[…]

The point – the only interesting point – is that we have not quit. Ours is not a fight that you can stay on very long if you look on victory as a sign of triumph or on loss as a sign on defeat. We have not quit because we are not hopeless.

My own aim is not hopelessness. I am not looking for reasons to give up. I am looking for reasons to keep on. -Wendell Berry

and this is just beautiful:

I think I could watch that video all night.

In my journal, I just wrote the words “alpha-indifferent.” Which is not at all descriptive of my feelings about that video. More like this one:

Which brings us full circle. Thematically, if not rhythmically.

❤

Tags: gezipark philharmonic, Kansas City Stomps, low, the decemberists, yo la tengo

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and I wanted to hold you as you made your escape

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May 30, 2013

I always wanted to be a librarian, and now that I think of it, I kind of am. I have my library of zines and a plethora of letters and mail art from the era that I would most want to curate. Now I just need to find a way to share them.

I can share some here. I’ve spent my spare time today sorting through letters that I have in a box – mostly from around 1990-1994.

I’m pretty sure I have a box of letters that span the mid-late-80’s. At least I HOPE I do. I HOPE it didn’t get thrown away.

I will forever remember the box of mail and zines I left behind because it wouldn’t fit into my car when I moved out of the house on 49th street in a big hurry. I will always wonder what little pieces of my past remained behind in that box.

I’ve culled through letters several times, though. Tossing those that were inconsequential. Keeping those from people I really cared about. Looking back at them, I see so much I didn’t see then.

What remains is loveliness from all corners of the earth. From dear friends in IL, GA, MI, CA, CO…not to mention Finland, Denmark, England.

The perpetually-incarcerated artist/bankrobber.

The octogenarian poet from New York.

The crazy beatnik from Albuquerque who sent risque photo postcards. The shy young woman who sent artwork and poetry to me, tentatively.

The boy with a crush on me that I completely ignored due to my tendency to remain oblivious to such things. The junkie cartoonist from New York.

All, all, all committing paper to pen several times a month. So many letters that began with “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.” and “It was great to finally hear from you!”

I had their addresses memorized. Or, at least, their zip codes. I still think about them when I hear people say they are from some obscure town that someone I once knew hailed from. Midland, Michigan. Appleton, Wisconsin. Yellow River, Ohio. Fair Oaks, California. I would grow to love the way they shaped their letters and the pattern of punctuation the way most would love a face or a particular accent.

When I was in high school, I would frequently make my mother call me in sick so I could spend the day in my pajamas, answering mail. Writing letters. Waiting waiting waiting for the thick bundle of mail to drop between the screen door and the wooden door because there was too much to fit in the mailbox.

And there was mail art. Interesting envelopes. Who knows what mail I never received because of the container that held it.

Yesterday, I was thinking that my friend P is the kind of adult I always thought was cool when I was younger. Unassuming, and cool as shit. Today, glancing through this bit of my history, I realize – I am exactly the kind of adult that I wanted to be. And THAT is pretty damn cool.

Tags: art, letters, pen pals, poetry, punk rock, zines

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In a world where everybody fucks everyone else over…

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May 29, 2013

Today is all about the sniffles. It’s been smelling like rain all day, but refusing to rain…and my sinuses have been doing their job, fortifying against the evil mold spores! I shall fire upon them with my plentiful mucus!

As I write this, I am hiding from my children. Holed up at my friend P’s house, watching cable television and doing laundry while she’s out of town. This happens way more frequently than I deserve, but not nearly as frequently as I desire. It’s nice to escape my houseful of boys on occasion.

But it’s also nice to be at P’s house, because it’s very P. I’m hoping she doesn’t mind that I just took a bunch of photos of what that means so I can share them with you. hahaha. (I texted to get her permission and she said “No worries.”)

This, is P…

And This is P…