This week’s Menu

Thoughts on the verge of a schedule change

It’s been an introspective weekend. I have two more weeks of my early morning start time at work before my schedule becomes vaguely more reasonable for me. I will no longer be starting and ending work before/after dark. Though I suppose that would have changed regardless of my schedule change due to the steadily lengthening days, it was a strange quarter. I let go of a lot of things. Re-evaluated a lot of things. Stepped away from scheduling and cluttering to clarify direction and begin to draw a map.

Now I have a map in hand. It’s fairly well-detailed. I have the direction defined and the vehicle. I also have the fuel. I just need…I’m just waiting on the green light. Busying myself with the things I CAN do while I wait wait wait for the word on all I WANT to do.

So…I wait. And scheme.

Regarding the clarification of direction, I started a couple of projects last year that didn’t go exactly as I had planned. The Zine and the Zine Library both seem to be floundering. Wanting my attention. For different reasons.

The zine…that is The Chicago Issue of Oyster Lexicon (Issue 2) that is about a year overdue (I laughed as I typed that, because, srsly, it wouldn’t be a zine if the intro didn’t start with “Sorry this issue is so late.”) – I’m good with that. This is an important issue. The process of inventing a process is all part of the process. I have several components and they will all come together when they are ready to come together. It could very well be that the D issue moves much more quickly. Truth be told, I’m thinking about the full 26-letter alphabet and I’m not sure if I’ll get to “Z” if I don’t start getting some issues out faster. But that kind of pressure isn’t why I’m doing the zine. And I’m not really doing it for anyone but me. And if I need to take a year to write about Chicago this time. As opposed to the other times I’ve written about Chicago. If I want to briefly summarize those years in cut-up form, or in fragments. Unrelated and disrupted shards of broken time. Then so be it. I’m sure this isn’t the last time I will try to piece those years together, and frankly I don’t think I have the insight to do them justice…though it’s funny I once thought I did have the insight to do so – must have been 20-25 years or so ago. Four years out from the events that unfolded, and I felt I had sufficiently processed them to write about them. Who knows? Maybe I was. Maybe I’m de-evolving emotionally.

Today I sat down to write with the Zine and Chicago in mind and I brainstormed a soundtrack. I had thought about the mix for the Chicago issue several times before…should I just do Chicago music? Should I do music I listened to when I lived in Chicago? Some of the bands I listened to then aren’t really even available to listen to now. What I did was thought of all of the songs I most likely would have put on a mix tape during that era of my life. My mix tapes were always pretty mish-mashy, disrespectful of genre or continuity choosing to showcase my favorite tunes rather than carefully integrating or forming themes. Mostly there was a lot of randomness involved, but I did have my favorites. The playlist reflects those favorites. I’m trying to resist continuing to add to it as more spring to mind. Most of those came to me in a rush.

So, that’s the state of the zine.

The Zine Library, on the other hand, keeps receding from my consciousness. Mostly because I lack the space now, with the giant dog crate in the way. And so many other things going on. I’m still interested in getting it going, but it requires more energy than I have right now. It’s there. It’s on my list. I’ll get to it. And I recently saw something somewhere about someone creating an online zine database, I think…so maybe I’m waiting for someone to invent that so I can just use it.

Morbidly, there’s a part of me that is waiting for Buddha the Grouch to move out so I can use his room as the zine library, but I think the garage might also do nicely. But all of that is still contingent on that aforementioned green light that I’m impatiently waiting for. So, I guess the zine library is in that same holding pattern.

Things that ARE moving forward are garden growth – I have cauliflower and broccoli and spinach and collards and lots of lettuces. I’m still waiting and hoping for brussels sprouts – I have several plants, but no sprouts as yet…I have heard the leaves are yummy and I might start nibbling on those. And I’m trying to restrain myself from getting berry bushes to plant against a fence that I’m hoping to redo, but…I’m going to hold off until after the fence is redone. But I might very well plant a pomegranate. And more Artichokes. All of the artichokes are healthy. I have dialed back my plans to have several new beds in the spring, but I do think I might try to grow some starts from seed under grow lights in the garage…if I get the green light. If not, I might get some plastic sheeting for the shelves I have and see if I can make a modified cold frame.

In the midst of all of this, I bought the last textbook for Buddha The Grouch…the last rounds of tuition for homeschool co-op, science team…improv. Lots of “lasts” this year with him. It’s sad. I will miss that guy as an every day person in my life. I’m excited to see what he does. How he grows. Who he becomes. And I still have some work to do on the other one.

So that’s me these days. Counting time and trying not to count time. Trying not to spend money I don’t have even though it’s money I might need to spend when I have it. Planning without becoming too attached to the plan in case another contingency plan is needed. Watching plants and children grow. Like usual.

Hopefully this time next week I will have more news and more action in the direction of enaction…

Lately I’ve been obsessed with music. I’m checking out CDs from the library, listening to podcasts about music and keeping track of things I want to listen to. Expanding my collection back from before my time forward through until the present. Admittedly, my musical interests have been pretty sparse these past…oh…20 years or so.

Having just rearranged my music collection, I am now slowly adding selective music to my playlists on Google Music and iTunes – depending on the device. Sprinkling in new things with old because a spoonful of nostalgia makes the modern alternative rock and roll band go down?

Speaking of nostalgia, I’m tempted to say I’m having a rough time with the zine, but the reality is I’m just doing the zine at my very special pace. The last issue seemed to come together really quickly. This issue is taking its time. And why shouldn’t it? Those years I lived in Chicago were among the most formative years of my life. I’m not even sure if I have the wisdom yet to parse together why I should have and did/didn’t learn from them. I know the main character of the story, as its told through my perspective. But how to describe me accurately and honestly? I was not perfect, but the thing is, I think I tried really hard to BE perfect. I wanted so badly to avoid the mistakes of my role models that I think I might have missed out on some fun things that I could have done. And, yet…*spoiler alert*…I’m boringly satisfied with my life. It’s difficult to write a story when you know the ending is sort of a cliche. “Young, suburban punk grows up and becomes a mom.” or “Dreamy writer chick grows up and becomes semi-jaded” or – most frightening of all – “Maybe teenage me was right all along.”

I’m just not sure what angle to take. But I guess I’ll figure it out. And, anyway – I’m in no hurry to finish the alphabet. I can sit at “C” for a good long while and not feel pressed.

If I think about it – about me at that time…what I am is somewhat removed from my surroundings. I wasn’t in a band, but I knew people who were. I didn’t get addicted to or OD on heroin, but I was close with people who did. I didn’t commit suicide. I survived. And I’m ok.

Mostly I just spent my time writing a lot of letters, anyway. Writing letters and laying out zines.

I’m having an existential crisis over the letter “c.”

In other news…Lulu news…things were a little rough last week with all of the rain and the overtime and the general cooped-uppedness. But I managed to get out to the dog park twice in the last two days. Today, we met a couple of energetic puppies that wore Lulu out. At one point, Lulu was playing with a dog on the edge of a cliff, and I felt like I was watching one of those westerns where everybody ends up in a gun battle on the top of a moving train. It’s like The Tao of Bird all over again. TOB used to like to run up to the edges of things – fast enough to where I didn’t know if he would maybe not be able to stop himself and perhaps might plunge over the edge.

So the other dog owners and I kept coaxing the dogs down off of the cliff to play, but they kept ending up back there until finally it seemed like Lulu was exhausted. She was actually doing that “Enough with you!” kind of grouchy bark at the other dogs that I’m familiar with other dogs giving to her when she’s overly-energetic and not reading cues to tone it down. Tone it down. Town it (the FUCK) down.

So we moved on, thankfully still intact. And walked a ways further before coming across rabbit dog. Rabbit dog was the perfect chase companion – darting in between trees like a rabbit to Lulu’s greyhound tendencies. The little dog was about an eighth of Lulu’s size, and still she kept up, mostly, and weaved through the underbrush with a thunderous grace.

It was nice, and it was exhausting, and she’s pretty much spent the rest of the day sleeping.

And, now that I type that…I think I’d like to spend the rest of the night sleeping…

For ten hours a day, four days a week, people call me and I solve their problems by instructing them on what to click and where to drag. It’s actually a lot more interesting than it sounds, and I enjoy it a lot more than I ever thought I would. I’ve never been much of a puzzle-worker. I tell my customers frequently that I’m from the “Nuke it all” school of troubleshooting when fixing my own problems, preferring to destroy and start over with that which I am unable to easily fix. So, it’s a blessing that for 40+ hours a week, I am forced to methodically isolate the cause of the issue and, just as methodically, tease out the solution. And if you think all technical issues are the same, they are not. I learn something new every, every day, and the majority of the calls I get are about things I may have never seen before – at least not exactly in the way it’s manifesting for that particular customer.

When I graduated from high school and chose not to go to college, it wasn’t necessarily my dream to be a phone tech support person. My dreams and goals have always been extremely vague and non-specific, and none of them foresaw any sort of big-deal “career” type job. I sort of figured I’d work at Kinko’s my entire life and write books or make magazines and maybe live in a trailer on a plot of land somewhere. For me, that was success. Honest and heartfelt. The thought of that still makes me feel content. There is so little I truly want or need. A place to live. Candles. Things to write on or with. Things to read. Things to eat.

My eldest son is now at the age I was when I made these plans and had these dreams. His plans and dreams are different from mine, for sure. As we eagerly await word from his favorite school, I’m looking at my life and wondering what my years post-children will be like. Will I read Erma Bombeck books on the front porch of my condo and remember what it was like when life was more chaotic? Will I sell all of my worldly possessions and hit the road in an RV? Will I buy my trailer home in the country and finally achieve my lifelong goal?

It’s an interesting phase of life that I’m creeping up slowly on. These are the days I thought about wistfully when parenting was most difficult. These are the days I will remember fondly in the future.

❤ ❤

Veggie Chili Cheese Mac on a brisk autumn day.

I have been away, but (always) here.

Words don’t seem adequate lately. I realize I have a tendency to over-express, and I long for concision. With that in mind, rather than writing the novel of my time in Chicago that the zine was starting to become, I decided to make more of a collage. Short, descriptive interludes of what my life was like then.

And perhaps that’s what this blog should be for what my life is like now.

My life at the moment is like chili cheese mac on a brisk autumn day. So easy to make, and so delicious. Around here, we have “chili week.” I make a couple of huge pots of chili (onions, garlic, carrots, celery, green pepper, jalapeno, tomatoes and beans and beans and tomatoes…seasoned with chili powder, salt, pepper, plus maple syrup and cocoa powder. cook the veggies, throw in the beans & tomatoes, season and slow cook for as long as possible. We stock the house with fritos for frito pie; macaroni for chili cheese mac; veggie dogs and buns for chili cheese dogs; and, of course, tortilla chips for nachos. I’m actually thinking about making chili enchiladas this time around. Or maybe a chili omelet? Chili potato. Hell, throw it in some queso. It’s chili all week. In celebration of chilly weather.

I’m recovering from overextending something…ligaments or joint or something…in my foot. We have these giant bur oaks on our property that drop acorns that are slightly larger than golf balls (as I typed that, one hit the roof and rolled down, loudly, into the leafy grass…making that sound that things make when they land in a pile of crisp leaves.) For as long as I can remember, we’ve called them ankle-breakers and joked about how careful we need to be to avoid stepping on them wrong because they are ALL OVER THE PLACE. So, you’d think I would know not to step on one. But it was pretty spectacular when I did…because I totally did this graceful barrel roll into the street, right back up to my feet. Ta-da! I was on my way out to a movie, so I got to rest it for a couple of hours, but I knew it was bad when I was limpy after the movie.

So, I’ve been sidelined. It healed pretty quickly past the tender phase, but it still starts to hurt after long periods of use. So it’s been week of minimal walking and maximal  hyperactive dog activity. It’s been difficult to manage her, but understandable that she is restless. I’m looking forward to re-establishing our routine.

Tonight we did about half of our usual walk. A route I have walked for many, many years. As we walked, I thought about Wendell Berry and some of his essays about the importance of being able to live in one place for long periods of time. How having a sense of place allows you to mark time against time. Like measuring the healing of an injury by the distance I am able to travel today versus the distance I was able to travel yesterday or last week. Or even marking aging by measuring the difficulty with which I travel the same distance today that I traveled much easier 10 years ago.

Those markers don’t always have to be geographical, I suppose. The same thing can happen when listening to music, and remembering songs from certain periods in your life. Or, of course, smells…or foods. Like chili.

A few months ago, I met a new friend. He is a very nice man who shares a lot of my interests and has a very relaxing way of being that I appreciate a great deal. We went to a forest together in the middle of summer and laid in a field and told each other stories about our lives, and it was very nice. In telling my stories, I was reminded that when I was the age of my eldest son, my goal in life was to live out in a trailer on some land somewhere. Just me and maybe some dogs and cats and a typewriter or something. I would be a writer, or I would run an animal sanctuary, or something. But I wouldn’t let my work define me and I wouldn’t have any men or children holding me back.

It occurred to me at that moment that my dream, aside from the not having any children part, is 99% attainable at this very moment in my life.

I have now lived in this house about as long as I lived in my mother’s house growing up. If all goes well, I will be in this house another 4-6 years. After that, I’m thinking my life may be a little more transient. I have plans. I have ideas. I have vague outlines of goals, and I have dreams.

Standard link dump rules apply. Emptying out my pockets…

This is so important:

“We are under occupation here,” said Abayomi Azikiwe of the Moratorium Now Coalition. “They’ve taken our homes, taken our public institutions and privatized them, and now they’re taking our water. Soon enough, it will be coming to a city near you.”

The nine people arrested were trying to form a blockade in front of Homrich, a private contractor being paid over $5 million to turn off water to Detroiters whose overdue bills exceed $150.

The Detroit Water and Sewerage Department is a public asset valued at $6.4 billion. Forty-five percent of the utility’s annual budget goes to Wall Street banks to service its debt —a debt the emergency manager has the power to re-negotiate.

Detroit activists worry that their water utility, like other public services, will be privatized.

http://www.popularresistance.org/water-rights-march-in-detroit/

As of now, 166 children have been killed and 1,310 have been injured, some of them severely.

http://mashable.com/2014/07/23/gaza-children/